Post by Holly Short on Feb 5, 2007 22:48:16 GMT -5
This is the first chapter of the Artemis Fowl story I'm working on.
Artemis Fowl
The Fairy Ring
Prologue
Sector Five in the Haven City Museum, a heavy night there, this museum contains some of the most precious artifacts of the People. Above all of these is the Fairy Ring, the Fairy Ring is the most valuable of all the artifacts in there. The Ring, contains the powers of all the elements, it can create a small April shower, or a devastating volcano eruption. This is the most powerful item below ground or anywhere else.
Chapter 1: An Explosive Development
Captain Holly Short of Section Eight and Private Chix Verbil where in sector five of the museum, guarding the Fairy Ring. The Fairy Ring was given only to the most responsible and trusted fairies, like the best warriors of all underground. Holly turned on her intercom and contacted Chix. “Chix, is there any activity in your proximity?”
Chix contacted her also. “Nope babe, no activity here. Remember big words hurt my brain.”
“Your pathetic Chix.” “No I’m not, Grub is.”
“Keep your eyes open, got it?” “I’ve got it”
Holly turned on the security cameras, she didn’t want something like the Hamburg Incident to happen again. Unfortunately Chix was stationed in the same room the Ring was in. “Chix watch your back.”
Holly was headed for the security TV room, where Foaly had set up some of the best technology: security cameras, heat sensors, magic detectors and wall mounted plasma blasters. The entire museum was sprawling with security sensors. And one of Foaly’s personal favorites, pressure pads that if you stepped on one the wall would shoot out tranquilizer darts, fortunately the pads won’t go off if an LEP officer stepped on one.
Operations Booth
Foaly was in the operations booth, with the wing commander Vinyaya breathing down his neck, he wasn’t too comfortable. “Status report Holly” Foaly asked Concerned, mostly about his budget. “Quiet as the grave here, nothing but ancient artifacts, gum under waiting seats and the occasional stiff creepy looking statues, other then that it’s kinda quiet, besides Chix and his annoyance.”
Then Foaly’s crackled voice came through the intercom. “Just keep your eyes open, you never know what could happen.” Chix chewed his lip, because he was tired of having to guard the Ring. The one thing he wasn’t tired of, was the fact that he was with his lovely captain. “Awww! Stuff it Donkey-Boy! There isn’t anyone under the earth that would try to steal that stupid ring anyway!”
Holly pursed her lip at Chix, her anger was boiling inside of her to knock Chix out cold, but she didn’t hit him. “Chix! D’arvit, you idiot! Just patrol the area and mind your own business!”
Chix smirked at Holly. “Alright don’t get your rear in a bunch! For our sakes!” Holly’s face was beginning to turn red like Commander Root’s used to. “Don’t get smart with me, Private!” Foaly was listening to the whole brawl through the intercom.
“Knock it off!
You two fighting is just gonna distract you from guarding the Ring! So I suggest you just calm down, and relax.” Vinyaya was breathing down Foaly’s neck, just as usual, but this time Foaly turned pale. “Foaly! What heck are you doing?!” Foaly stared at the wing commander, she had caught him playing a game of Spider Solitaire on his computer, instead of watching Holly and Chix.
Everyone knows when a centaur is bored they find something to exercise their brain with.
“I’m sorry, Commander, I was just bored!” Vinyaya sneered at Foaly, trying to intimidate him. “Foaly, do you realize what you just did?! You just blew one hundred Fairy Gold dollars out of your butt!!!” Calm down Commander, every thing is okay.” Then all of a sudden, Holly hears something but figures it’s just the dark creepiness.
Foaly responded. “Keep your guard up, I’m running a systems check and scan. Yeah it looks like your right Holly, that place is quiet as the grave. Just don’t fiddle around, if that ring falls into the wrong hands, it could be disastrous!”
Foaly being the paranoid centaur that he was, continued to run systematic checks on every piece of security equipment. It wasn’t easy with wing commander Vinyaya swearing, and breathing down his neck.
“Foaly, keep an eye on that surveillance equipment, otherwise you’re a dead donkey!”
Foaly rolled his eyes. “I don’t take threats like that seriously commander. The only thing that will scare me is…” Vinyaya interrupted. “Your budget. Right?” Unfortunately for Foaly, Vinyaya knew one of his great weaknesses. But that was to be worried about some other day. Suddenly, a red light was flashing. There was activity in sector 328, Foaly barked into the microphone in the Operations Booth.
“Holly, you’ve got company in sector 328, and I don’t think it’s friendly company either.”
Artemis Fowl
The Fairy Ring
Prologue
Sector Five in the Haven City Museum, a heavy night there, this museum contains some of the most precious artifacts of the People. Above all of these is the Fairy Ring, the Fairy Ring is the most valuable of all the artifacts in there. The Ring, contains the powers of all the elements, it can create a small April shower, or a devastating volcano eruption. This is the most powerful item below ground or anywhere else.
Chapter 1: An Explosive Development
Captain Holly Short of Section Eight and Private Chix Verbil where in sector five of the museum, guarding the Fairy Ring. The Fairy Ring was given only to the most responsible and trusted fairies, like the best warriors of all underground. Holly turned on her intercom and contacted Chix. “Chix, is there any activity in your proximity?”
Chix contacted her also. “Nope babe, no activity here. Remember big words hurt my brain.”
“Your pathetic Chix.” “No I’m not, Grub is.”
“Keep your eyes open, got it?” “I’ve got it”
Holly turned on the security cameras, she didn’t want something like the Hamburg Incident to happen again. Unfortunately Chix was stationed in the same room the Ring was in. “Chix watch your back.”
Holly was headed for the security TV room, where Foaly had set up some of the best technology: security cameras, heat sensors, magic detectors and wall mounted plasma blasters. The entire museum was sprawling with security sensors. And one of Foaly’s personal favorites, pressure pads that if you stepped on one the wall would shoot out tranquilizer darts, fortunately the pads won’t go off if an LEP officer stepped on one.
Operations Booth
Foaly was in the operations booth, with the wing commander Vinyaya breathing down his neck, he wasn’t too comfortable. “Status report Holly” Foaly asked Concerned, mostly about his budget. “Quiet as the grave here, nothing but ancient artifacts, gum under waiting seats and the occasional stiff creepy looking statues, other then that it’s kinda quiet, besides Chix and his annoyance.”
Then Foaly’s crackled voice came through the intercom. “Just keep your eyes open, you never know what could happen.” Chix chewed his lip, because he was tired of having to guard the Ring. The one thing he wasn’t tired of, was the fact that he was with his lovely captain. “Awww! Stuff it Donkey-Boy! There isn’t anyone under the earth that would try to steal that stupid ring anyway!”
Holly pursed her lip at Chix, her anger was boiling inside of her to knock Chix out cold, but she didn’t hit him. “Chix! D’arvit, you idiot! Just patrol the area and mind your own business!”
Chix smirked at Holly. “Alright don’t get your rear in a bunch! For our sakes!” Holly’s face was beginning to turn red like Commander Root’s used to. “Don’t get smart with me, Private!” Foaly was listening to the whole brawl through the intercom.
“Knock it off!
You two fighting is just gonna distract you from guarding the Ring! So I suggest you just calm down, and relax.” Vinyaya was breathing down Foaly’s neck, just as usual, but this time Foaly turned pale. “Foaly! What heck are you doing?!” Foaly stared at the wing commander, she had caught him playing a game of Spider Solitaire on his computer, instead of watching Holly and Chix.
Everyone knows when a centaur is bored they find something to exercise their brain with.
“I’m sorry, Commander, I was just bored!” Vinyaya sneered at Foaly, trying to intimidate him. “Foaly, do you realize what you just did?! You just blew one hundred Fairy Gold dollars out of your butt!!!” Calm down Commander, every thing is okay.” Then all of a sudden, Holly hears something but figures it’s just the dark creepiness.
Foaly responded. “Keep your guard up, I’m running a systems check and scan. Yeah it looks like your right Holly, that place is quiet as the grave. Just don’t fiddle around, if that ring falls into the wrong hands, it could be disastrous!”
Foaly being the paranoid centaur that he was, continued to run systematic checks on every piece of security equipment. It wasn’t easy with wing commander Vinyaya swearing, and breathing down his neck.
“Foaly, keep an eye on that surveillance equipment, otherwise you’re a dead donkey!”
Foaly rolled his eyes. “I don’t take threats like that seriously commander. The only thing that will scare me is…” Vinyaya interrupted. “Your budget. Right?” Unfortunately for Foaly, Vinyaya knew one of his great weaknesses. But that was to be worried about some other day. Suddenly, a red light was flashing. There was activity in sector 328, Foaly barked into the microphone in the Operations Booth.
“Holly, you’ve got company in sector 328, and I don’t think it’s friendly company either.”
The only thing I might suggest is using paragraphs to spread your writing out a bit more. It makes it look longer and it's a little easier to read if you break it up like this:
